Sex,Relationships,Love

I did a post on my other blog but do feel it is fitting for this blog, losing a spouse you become a single parent, as to divorce, separation or the other half just not wanting to be in your child's life in either ways these topics become explosive and what it comes down to the most is you become a packaged deal.  To our child/children though this is a big issue at hand because the person we choose to be with is not only in our lives but our child's life and sometimes that is a battle of the royal all on its own.  From the child not wanting no one but there biological parent, to resentment for someone coming into your life and not being just you or him/her anymore, to just plane resentment of having to share you, and oh my goodness the problems that could be are endless ha ha.  Even though it may seem impossible, that impossible does become possible.

Well the topic of love, sex and relationships back in the day use to be taboo to even think or speak of, yet to those widowed it is yet still a topic of taboo, maybe from my perspective from not all but a large majority.  To some it is this dark, deep disrespect to those that they have lost, as those in ways it feels to be cheating.  To some I see it is also something that happens quickly, making me try to grasp the difference in the taboo to some, and the move quickly of others with another.  For me for a long time I've felt in my heart it was as though a feeling in all of me as cheating, to be with another, staring at the face next to you but not the face it should be.  

I felt as though every time I got close I was having this outer body experience looking down on myself seeing how all of me felt the stiffed body, teeth clenched and most uncomfortable feeling you could ever feel, I'd find myself soon after laughing, not good feeling for the person on the other end, but laughing is something many do when uncomfortable. To that person on the other end it may seem most horrible to see that person trying to get close to laughing, thinking probably the worse an trying to understand just why exactly they are being laughed at, then the explanation of why, that it is not them you laugh at, it just makes for a horrible, sickening feeling all together.  To even picture yourself with another may make you feel nauseated.  

It is very understanding, we have lost the loves of our lives and never would of thought we would ever have to face embracing the moving on and being happy with someone else besides who we always felt in our hearts we would be with.  It's and off and on game of I am ready, I am not ready, that when tried you soon back away to find in all of you the discomfort of the whole situation pulls you back thinking "you can't do this, how can you do this?, this is not the man I planned to be with the rest of my life". 

To many they truly believe that it could and should never be, that finding someone anew is something that should never be, to me I believe in all that is the feelings that take control when even thinking of being with someone else.  To most I believe as I am guilty of this as well we go for a search of a replica to what we have lost, when we see that it is not out there we lose hope to ever think we can be happy again, when in all actuality we know deep down we can never find of the same again.  Some people just feel they have to be alone to forever honor that love, for many reasons there are so many that just want and to be alone.  

So I am going to put myself out there and talk of sex only because I have nothing to hide and feel if this could help anyone than my heart here is doing the love of work that is my purpose.  I got intimately close with someone and to experience the feelings that take over your whole body all at once is no doubt why so many do not ever speak or want another.  As I mentioned before during this experience I felt myself looking down at myself saying "why are you doing this?, why are you even with someone new?, how could you do this?,.  Then shortly after finding myself laughing out loud the hardest I ever had, then seeing the look of horrified on the person in front of me to feeling horrible, that even though you know why you are laughing that person on the other end has no idea, to them your laughing at them.  

Each and every time I feel to be ready and full force to be happy with another as soon as it gets more involved with that person my thoughts take a u turn into the forever thoughts of darkness.  To those who have children involved this topic becomes bigger and more intense.  Truly do not ever believe that people who have lost their love of their life want to be alone, it is the matter of being able to feel it is ok, to feel comfortable, to some how have a sign to you that it is ok to move on to be happy.

I truly know that our loved ones passed want us to be happy, that instead of thinking they would be mad at us living life in all actuality they frown to the fact you feel you can't, I know in all of me from my husband passed he wants me to be happy, this was a famous line out of his mouth every day of every year we were together "he just wants me to be happy".  It is one of the biggest hush hush topics I know evolving in the lives of all that grieve right now.  

The taboo of the time limit, the taboo of even having feelings for another, the taboo of ever even thinking of being happy with someone else when you should be happy with the love lost.  No one is on this earth to be alone, unhappy, feeling guilt, feeling shame, our life is a gift and that gift is to live our life to the fullest each and every day not to feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, uncomfortable, those are all words that keep you from what you truly should be experiencing.  

As it is to fear is the same to fear being with another, that fear like every other fear is a disguise to your surprise unfolded if you take on that fear to find your blessings of all you thought could never be.  Can there be love after losing your love of life?, yes but only if you know in your heart it will never be of the same but in its own special way.  Even companionship is there for you to embrace, someone to laugh with and go to outings with, the thing I believe of it all is if your still feeling the pain of uncomfortable than do not be discouraged just know it is your hearts way of letting you know you are not ready, however that line could be a thin line if you forever feeling uncomfortable and disgusted that is fear playing a role in it all, that is a fear you have to be brave enough to walk through to find your sunshine on the other end of it all. 

We all get second chances, when it is the right one I truly know in my heart that all of those feelings will never be around, however being out there trying to find the one can be very upsetting and hopeless as you try and try and try.  Yet you will never get to where you want to be with out that failure and trying again and again and again.  Do not let the let downs get you down, keep your head high and know your angel and God are working on someone specially for you and your life, someone who just may not be ready to enter your life just yet.  

Sex can you even say that word all grievers out there?, that is a whole topic of its own.  Can you picture yourself even being naked with another?, do you get that feeling of horrified in the pit of your stomach?  do you feel sick at all thinking about it?, do you try to forget the word as fast as you thought of it?.  Again sex is not just sex, not something to just do because you need that closeness, although if your like me you don't and can't even go there.  I've gotten pretty close and let me tell you it was nothing but of a failure.  

I feel sorry for those men out there that may still be feeling "what is it I've done?, am I that bad?.  Having that kind of intimacy is just as uncomfortable as even thinking of dating another however as I mentioned that all disappears when it is the person that surprisingly pops into your life showing you happiness again, that happiness is and can be again.  Be easy on you and know that when you are being approached with love to you graced by the love of your angel and God you will not ever feel to turn that down.  

I feel like Dr Ruth on so many occasions because from so many I get asked the questions of so much, I do not however take it lightly because I know in my heart just how hard it is for us that grieve to ever feel we will be comfortable again being intimate with another.  It's easy to understand no kind of intimacy should take part for wrong reasons nor if you feel that out of control uncomfortable.  If your feeling naked before your naked than this moment and person is not the time it should be.  

Three years almost and I am just beginning to get out there, does this make me unfaithful?  no this makes me honoring the love I lost to allow myself to know I deserve and can be happy again but will never forget or lose that love lost, that love will forever be.  It takes a very special person to embrace us grieving hearts, to know they are not in competition and also know as we are happy to be happy again we will always miss that love we lost.  When with the right person, at the right time sex will and be as natural as it is to brush your teeth, yup I said it, sex again, you may not see that now but you will, you may say never, but there is a saying "never say never".  

A couple times I found myself in awkward of positions, to know deep down that this is not the time for me nor the right person, bare skinned and all, almost there but breaks put on very quickly, we all make mistake and move fast but knowing and doing and taking actions to what you know is not meant to be is a intuition blessed to you for very good reasons.  

There may even be times you feel so lonely that you want a friend with benefits, yup I said it friends with benefits ha ha, yet why limit yourself to the better that awaits to your life in time with all the patience in you that you need to have.  I know myself I even pondered the idea then getting back to reality with respect of myself I chose patience over two minutes of pleasure, as well as patience in the one headed specially to me, for me to be happy again.  Good things to come may seem forever but worth the wait.  

To those saying they forever want to be alone, your life will take a total surprise one day, you will see.  I do not and never will believe there is anyone that is to be alone, there is someone out there for everyone, that it does not mean you get just one shot, that like all other things and incidents in life we all get second chances. I wish I could have a recording of so many around the world that grieve saying sex sex sex and listen to them all and hear that awkward in their voices just saying it :).  

Just remember in the time it is meant to be it will be, believe strongly that loving, relationships, sex again will be but in the time your heart knows you are ready.  Know deep in your heart that person is being created from the loved one you lost to specially fit you and to see your happiness again and smile because they know we need and give permission for us all to be able to move on not backwards.  A thought every night as I speak in silence from my heart to my husband passed I tell him " I give you permission to let me be happy again and move on, to give me the strength to understand that I can and that doing that is honoring our love, to know in my heart that he wants me to be happy, that one day it will just happen in the hands of his love handed down to the life I live".

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Mom? Mommy? Mom?

Some days (Humor for single mommies cause I know you'd be a millionaire by now like me)

"Mommy, mommy, mom, mommy", if we had a quarter for every time we hear this we'd be taking a vacation.  Seriously this word is a word that our ears sometimes cringe in hearing, so often and every day this is the word that could break in moments of being caught up in what it is you need to be doing to stop and pay attention to what lays behind that "Mommy" calling.  As you just want to finish the task at hand you walk to your mommy caller and listen to what the request at hand is for the 50 000 time lol. Is it hunger yet again?, is it a question that we won't quite understand where they get those questions from?, thirst?. 

One of the joys of being a single mom in wishing you were an octopus at times ha ha, actually I do clearly remember my daughter telling me the other day she wishes I was an octopus, nice to know our child would love seeing us be or turn into some sea creature only to cater to their forever wants.  They want what they want in the exact moment it comes to their mind and there ain't no stopping them until it is heard.  Sometimes it is a task on its own to be right there right away to be in compliance to what it is they so desperately want or need your full attention for.  However this is what teaches us to be the best multi-tasker to ever live.  Who says you can not do ten things at once and get it done to its best while doing so many things in between?  Us single moms can prove other wise, it may be a tad of a disaster during the process but in the end you would of never known the disaster ever existed.

Sometimes it is something so simple it brings tears to your eyes in knowing the all you left to hear, "oh I just wanted to know where you were", or "oh I just wanted to know you are here", really?  where else would we be, like we would be gone and leaving behind our child alone to do just about anything thought of in their minds but oh so very intelligent minds, that's why no kid is ever left alone, and just because it is not right to do and harmful.  However I do believe we wished we could sometimes ha ha.  Then there is the whines, cries, that happen off and on through out times of so many of tasks going on that it is enough to make your head spin feeling like a yo-yo going back and forth in between.

Or the forever up and down of the endless requests, by no means these ups and downs I do not mean as a roller coaster ride, it is the moment you have a second to just sit to have a rest, get comfortable then bam, "Mom can I have", there goes the second of rest you thought you'd be getting, then this oh no this just don't happen once, this is as bad as many times you hear the mom, mommy, mom through out your day as well.  Yes it is all a vicious circle on its own, yet through it you find the one thing to ease that yo yo feeling in all of you, that is the "I love yous" that are quite constant as the mom, mommy, mom you hear as much through your day that helps ease the yelling inside of you that you wished you could yell out loud.

I can always see it in another moms eyes as I instantly turn to the word mom even though my daughter is not with me, I know exactly what that mom is thinking, feeling, perhaps wanting to do ha ha .  Yet in it all when you sit to think and reflect on your day you start to see the story in all the up and down you do, in all the mom , mommy, mom that you hear, you start to understand that it is all nothing but of the greatest to be that person that little bright life needs an depends on, that you always stop right away what you do knowing what is more important in the hustle and bustle of the world wind of life you go through each day. That no matter what the "I love yous" will always carry you through the most trying of times as you cringe at the time in the mom, mommy, mom noises.

Then as you think of what it was each time they wanted you, you smile in remembering the task of something hard they were doing and finally accomplished it, or even to just knowing that they wanted to know you were there, as though a test to see if you will stop anything just to get to them and acknowledge them and their presence.  One time I remember my daughter was forever in desperate need of coming to her attention as I tried doing the million things ahead of me to stop and read a note she had written on her chalk board that she was so proud of "A bond that can not be undone because love is in bloom", that to me was a moment that made me understand that no matter how in demand you are in that in the frustration of getting things done on the other end of it is a true gift, a love that is endless, and all worth while the break of what you had to leave behind.

At the end of the day through it all you truly understand and realize that all you go through each day is worth what it is you do, raising a beautiful life to be at its fullest it can be.  On your own it is a forever battle between attention to your little one, to getting so many things done that need you attention, however as the day comes to an end your reward is that through the storm you made it again, through it with precious of memories that last forever in your heart.  Although while we sleep we probably talk in our sleep saying mom, mommy, mom because that is all our mind has been programmed to hear through the day.

Same goes for my daughter there are so many times I am startled through the night thinking and jumping thinking something is wrong as I hear mommy, rushing to see her eyes closed talking in her sleep, really? I think to myself in the sleep it happens to?? ha ha.  Yet smile in knowing at least this time it was a false alarm, until day breaks yet again to start a new.  

Then lets not forget through it all we have to be a human dictionary for the thousand times in a day of words that cause the mom, mommy, mom calling, to actually sometimes have to sit and think of what it is your child is in need of knowing lol.  This to me is a forever on going thing in life right now and at the most oddest of times it occurs, before going to sleep, on the toilet, where ever, but knowing you also are the teacher in the growth of your little one it also can be scratching of nails on a chalk board, moments you wished you had a walking dictionary there to help you out while you stumble to get what your doing done.

I know so much sarcasm in this post but we need it sometimes to lighten the forever needs of all of our being in each and every day we are nurturing our child to grow and to love.  It just goes to show that in frustration love never leaves, that it is ok to feel annoyed, frustrated, cringing, or the tears that feel to come on in all the chaos that we get caught up in sometime, yet through the day as it ends we gather back our all to smile in the proud of what it is we do on a daily basis with all the love in our hearts to the ones that mean the world to our life. That yet again we made it through, nothing broken, nothing hurt, not a hair damaged.

There is not anything that stops us from being there for our child no matter how hard the days are, to know in our heart we do this on our own to see our child be the amazing little person that they are makes us understand, even through the feeling annoyed or frustrated we are doing something right.  That even when patience are felt to be gone they are never truly out the window, that the little extra needed is always within us to grab on to.

So I bravely say and endure the mom, mommy, mom, the up, down, up, down to know that it is all part of the motherhood of life we all endure but make it through, that at the end of the day our heart feels full in knowing our child was never left hanging, or never left wondering of so many words that they so demanding wanted to know of right away.  That through it all you are their teacher, no matter what you are doing in between, teacher, nurturer, chef, cleaner, and most of all ENDLESS LOVE.  Yes and all done alone, even in times of wishing you had that extra pair of hands the gratefulness comes knowing it was all in just your pair of hands you made it through.

Yes some days you feel as though you are in the circus and the famous juggling act preforming your best not wanting to drop a thing however in being a single mom that juggling act is different things are suppose to drop, your child depends on you and to just ignore is as to say you do not want to be there, that they feel that they are not being seen in life that they are second to what it is you do, it is us and only us to always make them feel and know they are number one even if you do five other things while you tend to what it is they need for the millionth time that day, that is all they need to see always is that no matter what they are number one in your life.

So to all the mom, mommy, mom annoyance in the end of it there is nothing but that one thing that they always see in you, that in your life they are your number one and secure in knowing you will always be there for them no matter how little or big of situation.  The other day I seen a little child with their parents talking and talking and talking not even getting a glance to as the parents kept walking in total dismissive of what it was that child wanted or to even just hear what it was that child wanted them to hear, I smiled in knowing in all that I do I never dismiss my child for anything or anyone and done all on my own.

If we as the dependents of our child don't take time to be there for a child, who will?  No one it is up to us to be there no matter how small the case be, we are the ones that are forever the person that is responsible for the life we have made, that it is us that helps them grow into all of what we want them to be.  If we forever put things ahead of them how will we ever be able to pay attention to help them grow, to be the teacher of their questions to help them learn, to help them know they are secured and loved in their life no matter what.

Single mommies know the calling and stop for what ever reason at hand, we know that our little one is our number 1 and how to juggle the best in every day that comes our way.  Even through frustration we know our child is important, that to us they are the only family we have, that in us there is not nothing we can not do looking to all the things done on our own already.  So all single mommies I say mom, mommy,mom ha ha keep on being the great love that you are.

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Doctors, Dentists, Optomotrists, OH MY

I am not sure if I may be the only mother going through this today, however I feel that it is not just me alone.  Through the chaos to the silence back to the chaos ones sanity could get lost on days that seem should be so easy, yet let not forget that what seems to be so easy never is until done.  I have never thought something that seemed so easily done could be furthest from the truth, the battle of the titans, earth quaking, shattering peace days, the days of Doctors appointment, Dentist appointment, Optometrists appointment OH MY.  Serious now this is something I would of never thought would be the day of the battle of royals.

I always believed that it be a day ok appointment, go to, come home and done, well I should of known that nothing is ever as easy as thought, some things yes but appointments oh no. As I feel the days approaching for any appointments, the more stress, sanity and hair loss, the endless "please can we reschedule the day, to "I don't want to go, I'm not going, you can't make me", to the endless tears as though it was something of the worse ever to happen to them, well to my daughter anyways.  Oh how I miss the baby days where not a peep was made, stress was no where to be found and a beautiful head full of hair, yes the endless picks are a lot to take in and the cry of your baby breaks your heart but it is no where near how it is today now that she is older and oh so vocal.

My heart truly goes out to all the mommies that go through this, I hope honestly that this is not just something that happens to me, but I have a good feeling it is not, yes I take sympathy in that no one really loves to go through the doctors, the dentists, the optometrists appointments yet wow the sanity of and through it all lays thin in the weeks and days before.  Also for me I am quite the sensitive person to these kinds of things and do not deny that I feel the little bit of worrisome of it all, just the thought of wanting your child to be ok and not hearing bad news, it is natural to have that little bit of being scared in you but to be so stressed out to the max is hazardous to your own self, and in actuality that stress can be felt by your child as well.

So after all there has to be a happy medium in this all, for me I am still striving to find that, yet in it a little I do know the more comforting and supportive, loving you are the better the ease to the anxiousness of the appointments ahead.  I think for me what lays deep inside me to bring out the fears of the appointments is the tragic loss of my husband that I know just how fast life can change, yet through it I have to remind myself my daughter is not my husband and this is her body not his, her life is not destined of the same as her fathers, but still in my heart it lays heavy, to every test, appointment, that comes our way, a big sigh of relief comes when you smile in seeing your child go through it all so bravely, yet you ask yourself then why such a fuss before the actual day of going? ha ha.  

Not long ago I could not believe how brave my little girl was, but in days before oh boy what a battle, it was her first time getting blood work done also an X-ray as well, I knew that it be the strongest of earth quaking fuss the days before.  The day came and I could of never been the proudest mom as I watched my little girl face her fears so bravely without a tear in sight as she sat and sang along to her favorite song, with the ladies all around her very intelligently keeping her distracted.  My heart sighed after all the high stress levels of the days before, the crying, the fear, the fuss, the tantrums, as I looked to her I smiled in knowing just how brave she is and was and to watch her run into the waiting room smiling so proud looking for her papa, the waiting room applauding for her, watching other little boys and girls knowing if they were afraid that my daughter comforted their thoughts.

I shake my head in loss of why can not the bravery be in the days before each and every appointment, yet know that as an adult no matter how many times we have been to so many appointments it is still a little uneasy for us as well, and being a child they just don't know any better to express that, so they look to us for comfort, as they chip away at our sanity lol.  It is a tad easier if we tell them exactly why they are going and what to expect however the fight of the titans is still there.  Kicking and screaming they go, like Dr Jekyll,  Mr Hyde you see your child go from one to the other.  The phases of the life of a child.  My daughter has shown me the endless phases in the life of a child, how each growth is a phase gained yet not too long after a phase faded along comes a new one.

After all is done over with, the silence captures your ears,  you sigh in relief yet until the next time, this is where I missed the other half of my life, because in the midst of the chaos having that extra person helped the sanity in the ease of having that extra support with you, yet being there all in full of love for your child,  knowing it won't be forever eases the mind a little, impatiently waiting for the day they no longer have to feel afraid and shake the world with the fight of all fights and fuss.  It to me seems much more comforting in finding someone to go with you, to just have that extra person for comfort, to show your child it is not at all scary if they see others around with them, that other people are there that love and support them.  That extra security  behind them, along with you.

I can't remember the day it all changed, never ever heard a peep from my daughter than all of a sudden boom its a battle royal going on in my world after knowing of appointments to be done. That's why I do believe there are definitely phases our child go through in their lives, from one different to the next, you start to wonder  about the story you were told being true and seeing it before you the roller-coaster ride of being a parent, that you once rolled your eyes to now comes back biting you in the behind, through it all though there is nothing that we would change for anything in this world, well maybe on the days your ears want to bleed ha ha.  

Trying to figure out what change will just leave you feeling more lost then before, so let go of the "what has changed?", to just hanging on tight and being the loving parent you are no matter how hard you want to run.  In the end I do believe when the calmness comes it is all in the calmness of your own self that they see in you, the love, support, showing it will be ok shows them on that day it really is going to be ok, however their forgetfulness for the next appointment always occurs.  I think on the next time around I am going to video tape how brave she was to show her in the days before, yet as I said before phases, phases, phases soon enough this to shall pass, kind of scared to see what the next one will be ha ha.  Life as a single mom can be upside down, yet in that upside down is our life, our love, in the upside down is where we see the peace and love that never went anywhere.  Upside down with love is better right side up with no love.

Helpful hint 101, bringing something that means a lot to your child, this I found out helped more than I thought it would, it keeps them occupied and mind off the time they are sitting around to think and wonder.  There is no sure way to calm the storm of the days before but the more you talk about what will happen the more you can see your child is easing up in the fight that they are giving.  

Being quiet some where with them telling them and easing their minds that you are with them, that you would never let anything bad happen to them, to answering all their screeching questions does seem to quiet the storm an stop the tears.  There is no answer for why this occurs except perhaps it's all about the unknown,  as it is for us the unknown is scary to us as well but once there and seeing for yourself what it is all about all your anxiousness disappears, so same as a child, except to a child it is ten times scarier than as it is to us.

We to dread the unknown, and when faced to the days before we tend to get a little worried of all the what, when, where, hows, of it will be but we know how to cope with it better,  our child does not in an adult way and the only way to show it is through what they know best fussing, tears, pushing your buttons ha ha it is just a child like ways.  Sometimes I feel I could do just the same, sometimes we do, tears shed, complaining, so in no difference it is as a child, knowing and showing your child that what you feel happens to you shows them that no matter what facing your fears is always a surprise in seeing it was never a fear at all, that in that fear you felt so good for being so brave, and in that the more you do it the more you see it becomes easier each time.

I do know that the more you reflect that stress of it all getting to you the more your child can feel that and feeling it from you only makes them that much more afraid, upset and scared.  It is not only when their babies they can sense what you feel it is all through their life, never leaving them even as an older young person that bond will always be there, they will always sense what it is your are giving off of yourself.  So to relax, peace of mind, show them you are not getting bothered by what they do in the days ahead shows them really that here should be no fuss or being afraid at all, this is not perfectly perfected but it certainly has lightened the roars of the battles and 
besides there is no such thing as perfect.

Keep calm, smile no matter how much you want to cringe in the battle is all the more your child sees that you are not stressing, or giving off any kinds of negativity for them to feel and feed off of, I am so far from being an expert but just sharing what I have come to realize through it all.  That little bit of peace and ease goes a long way compared to the loss of hair and wanting to run away as it was before lol.  I know there are some mommies out there going through this, I say to you find that extra person for that day a friend, family member anyone you feel comfortable with, it eases the nerves of the battles you fight with in the days before, it also shows your child the extra support for them there as well.

Being honest, upfront and explaining helps so very much, you still have the fight of fights happen yet it becomes less and lighter.  Comfort, love, support, and added confirmation goes a long way, sympathizing an understanding and most of all not fretting and giving off and negativity will only prove that if they see you calm then why are they freaking out so much, all the same as it is to not giving in to tantrums, once they see your not flinching they see why bother to keep going for something they see you not reacting to.  So keep your beautiful hair, your sanity, smile and tread lightly and ever so gracefully ladies, show your little ones that life is fear but fear is nothing but a gift.

~ Miracle ~

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Calgon 911

For my daughters six, seventh and eighth part of life I became a single mom through out those years, what a smack in the face it was having that extra hands, that extra shoulder, encouragement, and love with you on the roller coaster ride of parenthood.  It was quite a shocker to me how I thought it be easier as they grew ha what a surprise to me that it never gets easier, when they grow into themselves it seems they seem to think they are eight going on eighteen.  Through the ups and downs and wanting to pull your hair out, while doing ten things at once trying to keep on top of everything, we seem to let go of the importance of it all, taking extra time to stop, admire our child, admire how far they've come and oh how fast they have grew, to take the extra seconds to just be with them, show interest in what they do, what their likes are, what it is they really love doing.  

For me at first being a single mom was getting things done, not looking to the beauty of what is that is around, it was feeling accomplished, making sure that this was done that was done, just never ever realizing that all those things could wait, to understand that in all the commotion you're forgetting to be in the moment, allowing yourself to truly enjoy and just be with your child.  I believe that is of how it is for many single moms out there, we are so afraid if we don't keep up with what we feel is important that we are not being a successful parent, mean while the whole time through the hustle and bustle the only thing that counts the most is your child knowing you see them, you hear them, your there for them, that everything else is less of importance than them themselves to you.  

There are truly days I know that we feel the burn, we feel the forever going in circles of wondering is there ever an end to what we have to do in a day.  To let go and understand that it is what it is if a chore goes undone, a meal gets burned,  an errand goes unfinished that tomorrow is another day.  Our child and the bond between our child and us is most important, stop trying to be perfect because you feel your trying to take on the world to do your best to show others that you can do it, the smile, the self-esteem, the bright light and love your child beams shows the world all that on its own that you are doing it all the very best that you can and you are doing it alone, no different than if with an extra parent. 

It truly is a task at hand on some days, hearing the whining, the talking back, or the Mr and Miss' know it all attitude that comes on through some days ha ha I laugh now but in the moment I know it's as though you want to just scream and perhaps hide somewhere and have someone else be mom for the day.  Oh yea I forgot my perception of getting older was the tantrums would no longer be, boy was I fooled, they just become bigger and louder.  Sometimes just sometimes I give in to stop from cringing to the noise that I hear, however we are not perfect, no one is perfect, there should be moments of happy medium in moments of surrender.

 I do believe, however through it all ignoring along with holding onto the cringe is to be, soon enough the storm passes and your ears can hear silence, you still have your hair, and your child learns that not all the time they get what they want, being a single mom sometimes can be financially stressing and we feel bad for not being able to give our child all they want, however if we did how do you think that would be?, it's not in the materialistic things we grow a child, it is with love, compassion and nurturing and teaching.  We are all here doing the very best we can, that is all that needs to be felt and done, recognition of how you are doing as a parent from others is not of importance, looking to your child, seeing them become amazing little people is all recognition you need to see.

For the parents out there that went through it all on their own I send all my love, respect, and all to because I do not even remember most of the first year of my little girls life because of so many things that go on keeping you so consumed in it all that there truly is no time to stop fully to enjoy some precious moments lost due to the crazy and endless appointments, bottle cleaning, diaper changing, heart failures and all that go on as you hurry around frantically to get it all done.  My hat off to all you single mommies who have did it alone from the start.  I don't think there is ever a right or wrong way to how we keep on keeping on, we all build our own tools that work for us, we all do the best of our heart in this big world helping our child grow. 

I'm here to say that it is not just you that on days feel you can't do it, or you want to pull your hair out, or cry due to all the things that pile up in our life, yet in it, through it all we make it through, we find our self smiling in knowing another day has been completed, all the struggles in between fade and we watch our child looking like an angel of God as they sleep, thinking to ourselves "that is part of us, we created that beautiful life".  Its not about feeling bad in your struggles and hard times because out of it becomes the calm after the storm, our child sees nothing but love for being there anyway no matter how much tantrums happen, tears that are shed, at the end of the day they see what all you do for them, the love beyond this world you have for them and know your their rock, that here you are standing behind them no matter what.

I often think of could of, should of, but that just cuts you short of all the I did's, I'm doing, and great struggles accomplished.  Forget the regret of what ifs and focus on what you are doing and what you have already done.  So much remorse can come upon us but that is not anything that can't be beat if we remember the great accomplishments we have made and where we are now.  Our child I'm sure feels no remorse, due to the fact that you and your love keeps them in a positive state no matter how bad a day it has been.  It's ok to feel you want to scream, pull your hair out, hide some where, take a vacation because it is not just you that feels that way, no one is perfect and can not say it has been easy for them.  It's the joyous ride of single mommy roller coaster rides we all endure, yet through it all if we could go back in time we would never change a thing.  Maybe that bad hair style we chose to get.

This mom here leads with all of my love, because coming from your heart nothing can stand in your way, nothing can steer you wrong, at the end of the day the prayers keep you fueled and the good Lord knows the miracle of life blessed upon you is being taken care of to its best.  That what we go through we know deep down it is never given if could not be handled.  I know these past years the blessings, growth and learning's to my heart have been the most glorious even in the times of great pain, it all washes away as soon as I see my little girl looking so at peace as she lay to sleep and energize her bright soul.  That in that face of peace I smile in knowing that all of the second guessing and remorse fades away for my heart to beam in knowing there is nothing I could of done better.  Feeling bad for feeling bad has no space in all the right that you are doing day to day.

There use to be a time in my life that I allowed myself to feel less of a person for being alone, that I could never do the parenting properly by myself alone, we stick onto the perceptions of others so much we let the control of our life get lost in what others believe that we let go of listening to our hearts, that with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, parents is not any different than one alone if all the love in your heart fills their lives, that you do the best that you can to your fullest, that you let go of the guilt, to look back to see that you have done it, that your still doing it, that mistakes were the tools to your growth and lessons to your parenting, that no matter what their will be many of moments of break downs but our child will always know they are loved and that is they key to a healthy, blissful, growing strongly life taking place in front of your eyes, each and every day.

On moments of weakness I say stop take your second and breathe, that alone has more strength and energy in it then just ignoring the fact that you need a second and leaving you full of stress, and it building more and more harming you than to just stop and take that second to breathe and release,  I m not here to be as though I know it all, I am here to share and let others out there know they are not alone, that any kind of words of support I can give along with acknowledging all single moms out there and giving the hand needed in all your times of hard times, knowing that there is a place to be to talk of the struggle, the pains, all that come with parenting alone and be safe in knowing judgement does not exist in this world I created for you all.  Just to be an encouragement and lift others is all my heart loves to do.

Bringing tips, easy to do's, the ins and outs of the great topic that makes us all want to pull our hair out DATING HA HA, everything or anything I can share to make your life lighter, brighter easier I will do all of my best to do.  It's funny The dating topic should be a fun one, isn't it a scary yet funny place out there?  that dating is more to a single mom than just to someone with no child because not only we have to bring a person in our life to love us we have a package deal.  That's a whole other topic coming soon on its own.  I'm here to just let others know there is no perfect way in parenting, that even the best of the best make mistakes, if mistake never made lessons would never be learned that we need.  So keep on parenting, kicking butt, know that wanting to pull your hair out, scream, hide, run, all that and more is normal, to beat yourself up or feel bad is losing touch in the growth that waits in front of you.

The best gift to us all is the peace in our child's face as they sleep, and the endless "I Love you mommies that end our days that touch our heart letting us know we are doing things the best way, that our child is loved the fullest.  Through tantrums to tears to bad days through it all at the end of the day that peace and love is worth it all, that is confirmation to our heart that yet again another day accomplished, bring on tomorrow.

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No Zone Cyber Bullying

There is nothing more important in this world than the safety and protection of our child, it is us an only us that they have and depend on.  This is something I have come to realize I was a part of as an adult, that I know happens more often now a days in the world of social media growing and growing.  As I look back to the episode in 2011 of my life a grown adult I understand just what exactly cyber bullies are capable of, how manipulative they can be to trick you into thinking what they do is of importance, that what they do is for the good.  There are many forms of cyber bullies there are the ones that taunt, tease and corrupt ones life so much that they feel no way out, there are also ones that manipulate you, gain your trust, make you believe that what they do is for the good that the people they slander is for good reason, that you are doing something good by being rid of them, taking away there social media friends, everything they built to online, make there world come crashing down while the whole time you believe and trust so much in that person you feel you are actually doing good. 

 This is an issue I do believe that is become bigger and bigger each and every day and really see no protection against those that cyber bully people so much that they feel there's no way but take their own life.  Yet why is there no real protection of it some how online, to keep our children safe, to keep even adults safe.  I decided to do this blog due to being a person involved in being bullied by a cyber bully and I am an adult, it can happen to anyone.  

However my story is of the kind that I explained earlier of someone who gained my trust, that I thought was a good connection here in the cyber world, someone I truly believed in and what he was doing online, he made it seem he was keeping the internet safe of stalkers when in all actuality what he was doing was cyber bullying, turning innocent peoples lives upside down, and at the cost of hurting so many, who knows what could of have happened to these people, because we never really know what people are already battling in life to add on top of that the destruction of cyber bullying.

In 2011 after two years of knowing this person so well I honestly believed in this person, that what he was doing was a good cause, now that I look back there were so many signs, that is key to this all to not get so caught up in being that person that truly trust and gives all the benefit of the doubt to let that blind you of the warning signs that are happening right in front of your eyes, yet ignore for being the good person you are.  I will not use victim in this article anywhere because you are not a victim, you are simply a person that has a heart of gold that sincerely acts with love that falls short of the ugliness of cyber bullies.  This man was a business associate of a very popular actor at the time, so to me it was exciting, honorable, and grateful to be able to have this connection I thought at the time.  Not fully seeing the destruction on peoples lives he was doing.  To even think that I had a part in it, believing he was doing good breaks my heart to know now just exactly what he was, CYBER BULLY, and to know he is still online and out there I cringe in knowing who's lives he is still ruining.

Then it came around my way,  a lesson I do believe to open my eyes just how harmful it can be online to bully that it is in real life.  The day after my husband passed, now I say this again the day after my husband passed I was truly kicked while being down, if not the pain my world was in already along I had to become the person on the other side of being bullied by a cyber bully with no remorse, no compassion, a friend of mine and myself had a very well known presence online for a show we created that was very successful at the time, all our hard work was lost in the blink of an eye at the cost of a cyber bully.  

This is why I say never judge others because you never know what battles they go through already, as I lost my world I also had to be the person on the other side of bullying, watching my name be slandered, my reputation being ruined, all this at the very moment my life was already shattered, close connections were lost, all due to a cyber bully putting out into the internet words of me that were not of the truth.  People believing because of the position he was and so carefully gained trust of, I think to myself what if I was not a strong person, that going through what I was already that this heart wrenching bullying was too much to handle and I myself took my own life?.  

For me I was lucky, lucky to avoid the online destruction to focus on the loss of my husband what was the most important, because through this all I had a little girl who needed me, I wanted to be the healthiest minded, strong willed person I needed to be for her because it was not just my life that was gone it was hers as well.  With no defending of myself through it all, I now understand how easy it can be done, to turn a persons life so upside down that to some they believe there is no other way but to take their own lives at the cost of cyber bullying.  No words were really even worth the time since in me I knew of the truth and those that believed were never my friends at all, I smile in knowing that for three years now I talk of this story no longer embarrassed but proud to share of all things I can to reach out to all that may be going through it now.  

It feels good to not want to hide of the truth but let it out in honor of every child, parent, adult out there in the world to see and know just how of importance this matter is, to keep our children safe and well known of the action of others that may affect their life in knowing that what they do is not of any value of the true person that they are, that there is no such thing as no way out, or feeling stuck and alone.  For me now this is of the biggest concern, the most of importance to me now that my daughter is online, she plays fashion games, dress up games, learning games, building games, so right away I go to parent controls, filters and safe chat.  However that alone is not enough for me from the moment my daughter could understand she could be so open as she needed to be with me I instilled in her heart knowing she can come to me with anything, i'm proud to know that she does, although many other children out there my not be.

For me it is not just about the parent controls, the filters, the safe chat because I know if possible cyber bullies out there can maybe just maybe be smarter than all that, so I make action in monitoring often, sitting down taking interest in what it is she is doing to see what she is playing and what is happening in the games she plays.  To me it is time consuming but the cooking, cleaning, trying to do ten things at once that won't go no where, that making sure your child is safe is more important than anything else you have to do or may be doing.  As a person coming form the end of being bullied I know now what it can do to you, I know the signs in a person that is going through it, use the tools that I have learned through my experience and use them the best way that I can.  To many monitoring could also be seen as over protective, yet I'd rather be over protective then leave the life of my child in the hands of a cyber bully.

We and only we are what our children have to depend on, it is up to us all to be the protector, the teacher, the safety patrol of our child we are helping grow into the beautiful strong willed, positive, happy beings we want them to grow to be. Being online is of a more responsibility than we think, what we put out there is more of an impact to others then we think.  

The warning signs of cyber bullying are similar to those for traditional bullying in terms of emotional effects; however, there are some differences. For example, a bruise or torn clothing is not expected as a sign that a child is being cyber bullied, but it is also important to keep in mind that some children who are cyber bullied may also be experiencing traditional bullying at school.

A child may be experiencing cyber bullying if he or she..

appears sad, moody, or anxious
avoids school
withdraws from or shows a lack of interest in social activities
experiences a drop in grades or decline in academic performance
appears upset after using the computer or being online
appears upset after viewing a text message on a cell phone

Signs a Child is Bullying Others 

Kids may be bullying others if they:   Get into physical or verbal fights
Have friends who bully others
Are increasingly aggressive
Get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
Have unexplained extra money or new belongings 
Blame others for their problems
Don’t accept responsibility for their actions
Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity

Why don't kids as for help?

Bullying can make a child feel helpless. Kids may want to handle it on their own to feel in control again. They may fear being seen as weak or a tattletale.

Kids may fear backlash from the kid who bullied them.

Bullying can be a humiliating experience. Kids may not want adults to know what is being said about them, whether true or false. They may also fear that adults will judge them or punish them for being weak.

Kids who are bullied may already feel socially isolated. They may feel like no one cares or could understand.

Kids may fear being rejected by their peers. Friends can help protect kids from bullying, and kids can fear losing this support

I feel whole heartedly that if each and every person stood up to the problem at hand there would be no more lives taken, no more cyber bullying, that in each of us all it only takes one to take the stand to shine unto others to let them see what it is that you are doing to learn and do the same in their world to soon enough catch on to others and like the domino effect instead of so many turning cheek so many will be standing up, making the difference and putting an end to the grief of cyber bullying online, once the attention is strong and focused the more the bullies of the world will feel what they do can no longer be hidden, that what they do will be of the greatest consequences to themselves.  Being a single mom/parent I know we all lead busy lives but I do also know the love for our child is stronger than anything that we are doing.

Its takes the strong stand of so many out in this world to unite that with that alone the strength of all standing together anything can be done.  Instead of ignoring, acting as though it is not there, turning cheek, if we instead put all our focus into the matter at hand cyber bullying will be nothing of the past, yet in remembrance of those lost we will always remember, hold close to our hearts, and for them smile knowing no one else will ever be harmed.  So for me I will take action, I will always take interest in what it is my daughter is doing, educate her of the bad that can be even if inside your home and safe.  I will forever no matter how busy leave that busy behind for just a while to know my child is safe.  I know many parents feel the same, yet here we stand with it at large, still happening, still taking lives.

I leave you with a tragic story that even to the celebrities cyber bullying can happen to and enter their life.  http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/charlotte-dawson-found-dead-after-long-and-public-battle-with-depression/story-fn907478-1226834561969  This does not have to be in the life we are living it is up to us to take the stand in every part of the world we are in and say NO, no we no longer accept cyber bullies, that we want our friends, family, child safe, nothing is ever to big to handle, if you put your mind to anything there is nothing you can not do, we can not do.

I know as a person who felt the wrath of cyber bullying that it will not get better nor go anywhere unless it is faced in the eyes and refused to even exist no longer, so who is it that can be the safety for us all?, we ourselves can be, to be educated and no longer ignore the fact that it is there and that it is growing.  Look to your child and ask, "how would I feel if my child was being bullied by a cyber bully and felt no way out and took their life?".  I know it is a tough subject, yet united nothing can not be beat.  Lead with love, do onto others as you would want them to do onto you.  Show your child to be the person you are so strongly striving to be.  Set the example and let them know there is not ever anything they can not approach us about, that with love it may seem bad at the time that it will be ok and it will go away.

When I think back to my story I wonder if it been not me but someone else if that person did not see things the way I did if they would of felt taking their own life?, it scares me to know of so many loving souls out there that this affects each and every day and how many lost due to it.  I look to my daughter to know that the strength of so many will keep her safe in the future ahead, that cyber bullying will be nothing but of a memory.  For the time being I take the responsibility to protect and keep safe my daughter from the ugliness that circulates around in cyber land, that nothing what I do is ever more important then her safety, that for her to also know the effects of words spoken out in cyber land, to be the loving, kind hearted person she is.  That no matter what the ugliness of words spoken are never right, that to treat others the way she would want them to treat her.

It only takes one person to stand up and take action to show to the world just how important it is for others to start doing the same.

This song is a suicide awareness song by:  ~ Paul Luftenegger ~

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